“The same commitment that leads us to do so well when the children are small (dedication, love, concern, involvement), also causes us to hold on too tightly when they are growing up.” ~ James Dobson
Being a mother has been one of the biggest joys of my life. Although I have enjoyed most aspects of raising my three children, learning how to let them go has not been easy.
We cut our child’s umbilical cord physically at birth, but there is an emotional cutting of the umbilical cord that happens, little by little, through various season’s of their lives until the last cut, which is when they go to live on their own.
The final task of parenting, releasing your grown children to the world of adulthood, is the hardest one.
Our eldest child, our son, recently moved out to live on his own. I have wrestled with my emotions, knowing that my relationship with him is going to change now, forever.
As I thought about the umbilical cord analogy, I realized that there’s a little “cutting” of the umbilical cord that has been happening all of our children’s life.
Since the birth of your son or daughter, you have been going through a slow process of “cutting off the emotional umbilical cord.”
There was a little “cut” when they were separated from you for the first time. Then more of a “cut” happened when they got on the school bus to go to kindergarten, or when they rode their bike and were out of your sight. More was cut when they went through junior high school and high school and they had to learn how to make good choices, such as which friends to hang out with and which activities to join.
And then a very large piece of the umbilical cord is cut when your child goes to college, one of the hardest times for most parents.
We parents have been in a process of letting go of our sons and daughters a little bit at a time for all of their lives. What you may not have realized, however, is that in doing so you have been preparing them to be healthy individuals.
Just as a baby’s umbilical cord must be cut physically at birth in order for them to grow, so must the emotional umbilical cord be cut when they become young adults and are ready to mature into adults.
But this doesn’t mean it’s easy for parents to release their grown child. Here’s four points to help the process.
1. Know that you are still needed
Just because your son or daughter is leaving, it doesn’t mean you are not needed as their parent. What it does mean is that your role in their lives has to be redefined.
Your children still need you as their friend, counselor, prayer warrior and/or mentor. These are very valuable roles you can have in their lives.
You are still important and very much needed by your child. It’s just in a different way now.
2. Our children need to be set free in order to reach adult status
It is healthy for your son or daughter to be living on their own. Parents need to encourage their child’s independence.
As parents we always want the best for our children. It helped me to let go of my son when I realized that it is good for him to be living independently.
I want him to grow into a strong, healthy individual, and if that means that I need to stop “babying” him, I will gladly step aside. In fact, most parents will do anything to meet their children’s healthy needs.
Let your adult child have the responsibility and freedom that they need so that they can grow fully into mature, healthy adults.
3. God is always with us
God has been with us every time we have had to let go, or cut a piece of the umbilical cord. He has carried us through every emotion, every tear, every fear, worry or anxiety we ever felt when raising our children.
When we cut the last piece of the umbilical cord, and truly let our children go, God will still be with us.
Be honest with Him about your feelings, and allow Him to comfort you as you honor Him by letting your grown child fully develop into the man or woman they were created to become.
4. Our children ultimately belong to God
We must remember that our children live under the shelter of the Most High God.
God loves your child too. In fact, He not only loves them, but He loves them better than we ever could.
One night before our son moved out, when I was talking to the Lord about my struggles with letting our son go, I sensed the Lord say to me, “Tweeny, he is mine. I love him even more than you do. He has his own journey and you must let him go now. Trust me, dear one, trust me that I have heard every single one of your prayers for this child. It’s okay, you can cut the umbilical cord now. I will continue to take care of him just as I always have. You can continue to pray for him just as you always have.“
And a peace beyond human understanding came over me as I sensed God’s presence in my heart. I had to remind myself that God is God and He never moves. He can be trusted because He is faithful and will never abandon us…or our child, His child.
If you are in a season of letting go of your son or daughter because they are moving out or getting married, may you know that you are still a very important person in your child’s life, that their independence is very healthy and may you have the confidence of knowing that God will take care of not only your child, but also of you.
May you believe, as I am choosing to believe, that there are good things ahead for you and your family.
May the Lord bless you with His peace as you cut off the last piece of the umbilical cord from your adult child. And as you do, may you be strengthened with all of His glorious power so that you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to His people, who live in the light (Colossians 1:11-12).
Please leave me a comment below on any encouragement you may have to help letting go of our adult children.
“For everything there is a season…A time to embrace and a time to turn away.” Ecclesiastes 3: 1, 5
Photo Credit: Google Images
Tweeny, this is very timely for us, as we’re learning to let go also. I think the hardest thing is watching them make mistakes, and not trying to “fix it”. Thank you for reminding us that God loves them “better than we can”.
Thanks for commenting Pam. You are right, letting them go to “make mistakes, and not trying to fix it” is extremely challenging for us parents. That’s all part of the growth for them though. So grateful that God’s in control of their lives though, huh? 🙂
It may be the timing, but this was honestly your most powerful blog for me yet! Thanks for reminding me what to focus on during this time and the healthiness of releasing him!
Hi Will~ Wow! Thanks for the compliment. It’s a challenge letting our precious son go, but it definitely helps knowing that it’s healthy and for his GOOD. 🙂
So well said. Your children are lucky to have such an amazing mom. God will certainly be with all of you through this transition.
Thank you so much for your kind words Kristi. Yes, amen that God is with us through this transition. So grateful for Him!!! 🙂
Definitely your best blog post yet! I love you. Thanks for being such an awesome woman of God!
Thanks for your support and kind words Vicki! You’re a pretty amazing woman of God yourself my dear! I love you too! 🙂
You are a good mama, Mama Randall! ❤️
Thank you Rachel. You are a sweetheart! 🙂
Great message, Tweeny. You touched on the next stage/season after the empty nest – Marriage. It is a huge “letting go” -another process. I know it’s supposed to be quick, but it wasn’t so fast for me. Then you are blessed all over again with grandchildren and another cord(s) to cut. What does God teach us through it all? STAY ON YOUR WELL-WORN KNEES a little longer – another generation to pray through!
I wept when I read your blog post. I’m currently going through a major cord-cutting moment, although I do know that I’ve been cutting the cord throughout my son’s life, just as you said.
He and I have a very healthy, happy relationship. As a single parent since he was 2, that means the world to me. And, as the ultimate worry wart, I’ve suffered through the various stages of letting go…including letting him fly alone since he was very young. I never had a partner who talked me off the ledge, I just had to find my way.
I’ve now had to come to terms with the fact that he has become an adventurer, which tests my fears in ways I never imagined. He is on a solo biking and camping trip down the length of New Zealand.
Is the cord ever really severed?
If I truly believe in God, and I do, then I must walk the walk. I need faith to find peace. It comes and goes. I’m trying to do better.
Dear Debbie,
I’m so touched that my words could be an encouragement to you. We mama’s need to constantly remind ourselves that our children belong to God and that He loves them so much more than we ever could. I know how hard that is to believe, but it’s the truth. I can relate to you about your anxiety for your son’s well being being far away and on a camping and biking trip by himself! Even as I read your words my heart leaped. However, I would like to encourage you to keep the facts in front of your mind and heart. And the truth is that your son could be under your roof and something could go wrong. I guess what I’m trying to say is that he belongs to God, and God has a plan for him, whether he is right in front of you or far away in another country. I know it’s not easy sister. What helps me is reciting Scriptures out loud to myself (Jeremiah 29:11 is very helpful).
Again, thanks for sharing your heart. I really appreciate it. May the Lord strengthen and comfort you during this season.
Thank you for this. I loved and appreciated the reminder to read Jeremiah 29:11. As worried as I’ve been, I’m relieved that he is in New Zealand as opposed to the US. I hate that I wish he lived in another country, but the mass proliferation of guns means that none of us is safe here. But I would miss him so much. I will just keep praying and have faith that somehow God will stop this madness that we’ve created through our irrational fear. I know that starts with me… As always. Blessings to you and your family.
I have four children, neither of them are mine biologically. My oldest child Faithe was adopted at birth. Anthony Jeremiah became my son at the age of 17,he’s 20 now. He has been in the Army for one year 9 months. Sam is 14 and Ben is 13. I became the guardian of these three brothers in 2013. I am a pastor, teacher and a mother. Since, my oldest two children have been out of the house, it has been very difficult letting them go, more so Anthony than Faithe. For the past three weeks, I have been very emotional. I have started seeing a therapist because I became overwhelmed with my children not being at home and being a recent breast cancer survivor. My therapist gave me this web site for support. I started looking at some topics on last night. I felt as though I had let God down in the way thay I’ve been handling the transition of my children from home to their adult life. Thanks for the insight. It has helped me see things clearer.
Hi Pearlie,
I’m so happy to hear that my writings could be an encouragement to you. I feel your pain. I too had an extremely hard time emotionally when my children became young adults. It is a very challenging time for many parents. You are not alone. There’s not an easy way of letting them go. We all do the best we can. It’s really good self care that you are seeing a therapist. He/she ought to be able to help you transition well. Please extend grace to yourself. God understands your difficulty and He loves you. I encourage you to be real with Him and keep talking to Him about your feelings.
Well said, Tweeny! (Visit my daughter sometime and give her a “mama” hug for me, ok?? ) The encouragement about the stages that are healthiest for our children is also true for our own lives and marriages. The empty nest becomes a new season for a couple, too. And as intensely as we know God loves our children, He also loves their parents just as passionately! It’s not necessarily the completion of God’s plan for our lives when we have raised our children to adulthood; it’s the beginning of a new stage in our lives, as well.
Lisa, thank you so much for your kind words. I agree with what you say. The empty nest is for sure a new season for couples too, and we have to figure out our new normal as individuals as well as a couple. I hope you are doing well. Can’t believe our girls are almost done with college! blessings to you~