What Is Codependency?

Most people have heard of the term codependency but they don’t really know what it is. In fact, most codependents do not even know that they are codependents.

I never knew what codependency meant until my marriage fell apart and I started going to recovery groups and to a counselor. I’m no expert on the subject, but I have learned a lot about it.

I learned that I am a codependent and that my codependency played a part in the demise of my marriage.  I had always believed that all the problems in our marriage were due to my husbands poor choices, but I was wrong.

So what exactly is codependency?  “Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself,” says therapist Tina Tessina (Web MD). This is definitely what I have done with all of my relationships most of my life. I grew up being a people pleaser, always putting the needs of others over my own.

If others liked me, then I liked myself. On the other hand, if others rejected me I would take it personally, believing that there was something wrong with me.

My joy was anchored in how others treated me. I would wilt like a flower when others weren’t kind to me.

Allowing others to have the power to define me meant that I also allowed them the power to control me.

But how do you know if you are a codependent? Here is a list of some of the characteristics of codependency.

1. I feel good about myself when others like and approve of me.

2. My mental attention is focused on others. The struggles of others affect my peace. I tend to focus my attention on solving their problems and hence relieving my pain.

3. I try controlling others to do things my way.

4. I put the needs, desires and wants (including hobbies and interests) of others over mine.

5. I am not aware of my feelings, but I am aware of how others are feeling and their feelings are more important than mine are.

6.  My dreams for the future are linked to the dreams of others.

7.  I will say or do anything in order to not be rejected by others.

8.  My social circle diminishes because all I really want is my significant other.

9.  I put my values aside in order to stay close to my significant other.

10. I have a hard time saying no because I never want to rock the boat.

If you recognize yourself in this list remember that step one is to step out of denial and admit that you are a codependent.

Codependency is the root cause of most problems in a relationship. Many marriages are falling apart because one or both partners need recovery from codependency.

Codependency is like any other addiction. It is an addiction to people (Tweet this).

Codependency is idolatry because  you are putting man’s approval of you as more important than God’s approval of you (Galations 1:10).

When you put the needs of others over your own, you’re saying “I don’t matter.”

When we don’t respect ourselves, others won’t respect us either.

Like I said earlier, my codependency contributed to the fall out of my marriage. This is because I didn’t respect myself enough to not allow my husband to treat me the way he did. He was often isolated, distant and unloving but because I was a codependent I never said anything to him about how much his behavior hurt me. Through counseling we have both learned about how to have healthy communication and boundaries. We have both worked hard at our own individual issues, mine being codependency. Today we have a new marriage-a happier, healthier and stronger one. Praise God.

God is a god of integrity and honor. He wants you, His child, to live in honor and integrity by loving yourself just the way He created you.

You love yourself by accepting and validating who you are, loved and made beautiful in God’s image (Genesis 1:27). This means being comfortable expressing your feeling, needs and wants.

The truth is we cannot love others until we love ourselves first (Romans 13:9).

Please if you need help overcoming issues with codependency, don’t be afraid to find a good therapist and/orsupport group that can help you. Learning to live in a healthier manner benefits you and all of your relationships. Most importantly, it honors God.

Leave me a comment below on any experiences, struggles or issues you have had with codependency.

 ^“Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.” ~ Galations 1:10.

Photo Credit: Google Images